Dating Lois Lane

I was watching "Superman Returns" again the other day. I know, most of you out there are not fans of the flick. Personally, I like it. For one, James Marsden's character is 10 times more like my guy Cyclops than Marsden was as the character who was supposedly Cyclops in the X-Men movies. And for two, who doesn't love Kate Bosworth?

Anyway, I'm watching the movie thinking to myself just how lucky Marsden's character (Richard White) was that he started dating Lois Lane at a time when Clark Kent/Superman was away from Earth -- because if Clark was anywhere near Earth's orbit when White first hit on Lois, you know Big Blue would have nipped that in the bud.

Sure, Supes wasn't dating Lois at the time, and she had shown no interest in dating Kent, but is he really going to let some little un-powered guy go sip on his Kool-Aid?

I mean, Superman may have super morals and super class and super compassion, but underneath all that super, he's still a man. And what man is happy to watch the girl he's after go out with someone else?

Admit it, men. We've all had that moment of watching the girl you like go out with some jerk, and you think to yourself "You know, if I was a little stronger, that guy is through the wall." Well, um, I think Superman is strong enough, don't you?

And it's not only Richard White in "Superman Returns." The character of Lois Lane was created in 1938. She and Clark, however, were not married until 1996, and didn't even start dating until the late 1980's. Are you trying to tell me there were no other guys in Metropolis looking to slip her the ole' kryptonite? Lois is quite the desirable woman, if two-dimensional drawings are what you're into.

But I would not want to be the poor unsuspecting Schlub who has a thing for the pretty girl at the Daily Planet.

Can you imagine trying to date Lois Lane with the Super-rhymes-with-sock-blocker standing in your way? The man has Super-hearing, for god's sake. When he hangs out in space hovering and listening to all the sounds in the world, you don't think he's tuned into Lois' general area half of the time? And sure, he's listening for when she gets into trouble, but also he's waiting to hear if she mentions Clark to her friends or says anything about him -- and you better believe he's going to hear it if some guy offers to show her his Fortress of Solitude.

The Man may make the date with Lois -- but if he were to, say, fall down a flight of stairs (that's the ticket!) he won't be making it to the date.

A Meteor is plummeting toward Earth? It can wait if Lois has plans to go to a sushi bar with some guy with a popped-collar named Chet. Darkseid is planning on trying to invade the planet again? Who cares? The X-Ray vision says that Lois' Ferrari-driving date, Enrico, has put the satin sheets on his bed.

And Lois' date's sudden disappearance would never even be traceable to Big Blue. Is it Superman's fault that the doorknob on Enrico's door just happened to be superheated to burn skin in an instant? Is it his fault that Chet's car just happened to get stolen by a bunch of hoodlums and left on top of a mountain 95 miles away?

Super-strength isn't the only way to wreck a date!

What's wrong with a little jealousy anyway, right? All is fair in love and war, he's just protecting his booty. For instance, it's a little known fact that Doomsday, the monster that killed Superman, was just some guy with Lois on his Speed dial.

"What is she doing in Your Five?!?"

And even if some planetary disaster has allowed the date to go off without a hitch, and Chet or Enrico have managed to seduce Ms. Lane, all Superman has to do is pull out his fail-safe of flying around the world backwards to reverse time! As time unfolds the second time, Enrico's Ferrari might just happen to overheat as he's driving through the Bad Part of Metropolis. Darn the luck, right? And I think the natives of the bad part of Metropolis might be willing to do Superman a favor or two, if you catch my drift.

No man dating Lois Lane would ever be able to get a good night's sleep again. You cannot live in a high enough building that Superman could not be waiting at your window to give the kiss goodnight.

Look! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!!! -- holding a screaming man with his pants down by the ankle!

He truly is the World's Greatest Hero.